Why am I exactly resigning myself to waiting out here?
It’s the middle of the night and it’s not an exaggeration to say that my toes are fairly frozen at this point. As I exhaled, a thick fog of air formulated momentarily before me –Yep, it’s cold out here.
I wandered around slightly from the “agreed place” and laid my body to rest against a lamp post. On this lonely street, there were nothing but a few merchant stores that had closed up a long time ago and the odd pay phone booth that sat in between a bus stop sign and the post I was currently occupying.
I think she said that we’d meet at this time and at this place. However when in such situations, you begin to go back on even the simplest of certainties. So was she even going to show up? I couldn’t tell you that I was confident that she would.
Blinking for a moment, I reflected internally:
I met her just recently, about two months to be approximate, and our meeting was more or less the typical set-up that’s been iterated between people time after time; we happened to be attending the same selection of courses on three out of five weekdays.
I recall her always being that one head that was in front of me, never changing, always constant –And in my way.
So after a fair amount of time spent enduring her obstructiveness, I finally voiced my opinion one day in class. I somehow justified my outburst to be quite reasonable, considering there was a multitude of other seats in that same row that she so sat in.
Much to my reluctance, I timidly poked her shoulder five minutes before class started and tried to voice my concerns in a polite manner.
She turned around with the most innocent of facial expressions and I was left stupefied and unable to directly confront her with my original intent.
To my silence, her expression grew increasingly puzzled but her arched eyebrows betrayed not even the slightest hint of annoyance. I was surprised by this since, considering the unique circumstances, what I had just done was clearly odd and probably beckoned a harsh remark or two.
Eventually I managed to spit out a sorry excuse for calling her out intentionally, and only then did her facial expression reform into a warm smile.
Before turning back around her seat, she eyed the left and right spots beside me before casually asking: “Would you mind if I joined you?”
Of course I reflexively allowed her to join my lonely crusade of one, seeing that I had no other reason to refuse her simple request.
After I nodded in accordance, she amassed all her belongings and hopped a row behind and took an immediate seat to my left –And in that moment I felt nothing but desire and expectation surge into my cognitive process.
She was undoubtedly beautiful, as I would expect most people to perceive. Her dark brown hair cascaded to her shoulder blades, and while quietly taking in her presence I had the sudden urge to touch and run my fingers through that medium.
She wore a simple fleece that covered everything above her torso, but at her waist she had haphazardly tied a thicker looking jacket (presumably her outermost coat).
Yes, yes a wonderful encounter or something of the like. However, as our conversations began to deepen and our bond together strengthened, I slowly came to the realization that perhaps this was what we called fate. — But no.
Just who can exactly define that which is destined to be?
Well it definitely wasn’t me.
Right now, the very insides of my being felt chilled to the bone. Fairly recently, I had had my suspicions as to whether this person was earnest in her affection towards me. Why, you might ask? I haven’t the slightest idea, but insecurity continues to haunt me.
When we’re together, we hardly speak in depth on details related to our personal lives. Discussing merely the most pointless of things, I’m left with an empty sense of understanding towards her.
I noted nearing footsteps from a distance, but from the darkness of the streets I could not make out the shape that made the approaching sounds.
When they made it to under the lamp post, I was able to tell it was her.
She was breathing heavily, probably because she had been running to get here relatively on time. I blankly gazed in her direction but I refused to make eye contact. Feeling bitter inside from that internal reflection, I could not help but act in such a childish manner.
I believe she took a few more approaching steps before she finally noticed my averted gaze. She didn’t speak, but the atmosphere beckoned a sad reckoning. I, becoming slowly susceptible to the “mood”, took the initiative to ask her why she had asked me to meet her so late at night.
I didn’t receive an immediate response, but that was a given. Somehow I felt she always possessed that trump card that never failed to make other people squirm in anticipation.
“… wasn’t for any reason too special or anything you might consider to be.”
She spoke, and my iced-over heart began to thaw.
Finally looking at her directly, I noticed that her eyes glistened with a moist hue. I immediately froze in my tracks.
Was she about to…cry?
My expression must have softened or changed in some manner because she immediately responded by pulling back from our proximity and turning around to face the surrounding darkness.
Reflexively, my arm was instantaneously outstretched towards her. With nothing but a few centimeters separating the distance between my hand and her shoulder, I held back once more and reassessed the action.
“What would you do…if we ever split-up?”
I immediately pulled my hand back and my jaw tightened in that moment.
“…see, I knew you wouldn’t be able to answer me if I asked. –Called it.”
She then turned around and looked at me once more, her eyes looked like they contained an unspeakable sadness and my frigid composure was moved.
I moved to her and pulled her into my arms, not holding back.
“Now why would you do this..I wonder..?”
I couldn’t speak; my tongue was caught in my throat.
The warmth of her small body slowly seeped through my jacket and it was comforting.
She sighed into my chest and tightly held onto me with her hands.
“I…can’t…stand the thought. But…I don’t know where this is going and..”
And in the still of the night, under the falling flakes of the coming winter, we tried to sort out the confusing relationship that we were in. Hoping…somehow that it might work out now that we were being a bit more honest with one another.