Sometimes I Ponder

‘Am I asking the right questions?’

I’m sitting in class, just barely three rows away from you. All I hear is the lull of hushed voices amidst the ever-present clicking of pens and pencils on paper.

I’m fidgeting with my own stylus, only slightly aware of my straying concentration. I still felt the remnants of lunch in my gut, sapping away my energy —  urging me to close my eyelids and rest awhile.

For only a second, I blinked longer than usual. In that one moment, everything was shrouded beneath a dark blanket. A million thoughts raced through my head, swirling, and balling up into a jumbled mess of torrential proportions equally divvied between conflicting emotions.

‘What do you think about me?’

I shake my head with conviction. Sleeping can’t be the solution to my troubles — it never will.

Drumming my fingers lightly on the desk, I resolved to ignore the rest of this class and sort out the disaster in my mind.

My eyes unconsciously wander to where you sit, briefly enough, yet too obvious for me to forget any time soon. Your back is small and petite, but size was never everything.

Sighing, I return to my inner turmoil.

‘What’s there to even like about me?’

It’s not like I stick-out like some others might. I’m just quiet, reserved, and a little snarky when pushed.

Perhaps, there was a time when I was amongst the hustle and bustle of the “in” crowd and laughed almost on cue rather than out of sincerity. Maybe then, that was when I caught your eye? Still, it doesn’t explain why you’re still around since I’m clearly no longer part of those cliques.

‘This is pretty pathetic. I’m pathetic.’

Instead of striking up a conversation to get to know you better, here I am stuck in my thoughts.

The bell finally chimes. Class had finally ended for the day.

Still looking in your direction, I see you quickly gather your things into your backpack. You rise from your seat, turn, and dash in my direction with ease and a light smile tugging at the edges of your lips.

“Hey, what are you staring at?”

Still slightly miffed by my own insecurities, I couldn’t devise a response quickly enough.

“Hello-o? Knock knock, is anybody there?”

“Sorry, I was just thinking about things.”

I take a few seconds to throw my belongings into my bag and rise from my own seat.

“Let’s go home!”

Walking together with you is always pleasant. We make do with chatting about whatever comes to us, laughing with little care in the world. I’m happy with this — truly, I am.

But my thoughts do haunt me.

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